I’ve Been Everywhere (As Told By Luke Skywalker)

By Mike Shaeffer

I've Been EverywhereI was totin’ my pack along the icy frontier of Hoth, when along came a wild-eyed pistol waver a-ridin’ on his tauntaun. He said, “If you’ve heard of the Millennium Falcon, with me you can ride,” then he sliced open the tauntaun, and then I settled down inside.

He said he made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. I told him that a parsec is not a unit of speed but a unit of distance equal to approximately three and a quarter light years, and then I looked right into his frostbit face and said, “Han, ol’ buddy… I’ve been everywhere, man.

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere. 

“I’ve been to Narnia, Legoland, Haddonfield, Krypton, Mordor, Dagobah, Castle Rock, Vulcan, Romulus, the Wastelands, Stepford, Niflheim, Asgard, Midgard, Atlantis, Helheim, The King’s Head, Tatooine, Elm Street, Coruscant, District 13, and Mrs. Todd’s shortcut.

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere.

“I’ve been to Alderaan, Sunnydale, Limbo, Endor, Cabot Cove, Hogsmeade, Camelot, Elsinore, Slytherin, Middlemarch, Pallet Town, Bedrock, Avalon, El Dorado, Kashyyyk, Salem’s Lot, Mayberry, Smallville, the Boondocks, Inverness, Westeros, The Crossroads, and Camp Blood—what a mess!

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere.

“I’ve been to Neverland, Pleasantville, Metropolis, Gotham, Wolf Creek, Silent Hill, and Arkham Asylum, the Green Mile, Shawshank, Twin Peaks, Brigadoon, World’s End, Toon Town, the dark side of the moon, the Twilight Zone, the Dead Zone, the Neutral Zone, the Phantom Zone, Orbit City, Sin City, Mega City, Vice City.

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere.

“I’ve been to Springfield, Shelbyville, The Overlook, Mustafar, Shermer, Dogpatch, Whoville, S-Mart, and Pawnee; Cloud City, Sleepy Hollow, Herland, Xanadu, Flandreau, Midian, and Wonderland; Quahog, the Holodeck, a Ceti-Alpha crater, Pandora, Derry, and Willy Wonka’s elevator!

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere.

“And one time, just for fun, man, I made that Kessel run, man. Look right at my face, man. I used that hyperspace, man, with my X-wing over there, with a full parsec to spare.

“Yes, I’ve been everywhere!”

Mike Shaeffer is a slam poet, playwright, director, and English teacher who lives in Fairbanks, AK.


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